Sunday, November 30, 2008
Lily's 50 Reasons People Have Sex
What really tops the list of The Best Lists Ever Made is from our very own Lily Aldrin: The 50 Reasons People Have Sex list. We managed to find the napkin she wrote this list on inside a trash can near MacLaren's, and it was well worth the cuts from syringes, dog poop stains, and the grossness of Barney's expired condoms. Check it:
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Not A Father's Day
Not A Father - FAQs
1. Nobody WANTS to have a child, but how do I know for sure I’m a Not A Father? The easiest way to confirm that you’re a Not a Father is to ask friends and colleagues if they’ve noticed any of your offspring, or even really small people who look like you. No? Congratulations! You’re well on your way to ensuring your Not a Fatherhood.
2. I heard a story about a Not a Father suddenly becoming not a Not a Father. Is that scientifically possible?
Sadly, yes. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 1,500,000 loud, toothless and vomiting surprises arrive unexpectedly each year, which means that each year, 1,500,000 potential Not a Fathers awake one morning to discover they’ve instantly lost their Saturday nights, about $15,000/yr, roughly 3 trillion+ hours of sleep, and their streak of consecutive days without having to go elbowdeep in baby poop. Yikes.
3. I’m worried about baby poop and walking around in public with a fanny pack. Are there steps that I can take to ensure that I remain a Not a Father?
Certainly. Just abstain from having sex. But seriously, there are effective measures and precautions that you can take to help preserve your Not a Father status. 8 out of 10 sexually active adults who do not use some form of birth control will get pregnant within a year. And with my powerful and potent sperm, the number is much greater – somewhere like nine out of ten or even ten out of ten. That’s why I like to employ some of the following birth control methods:
--"the penis poncho" (condom)
--"sex mints" (birth control pills)
--"outercourse" (dry-humpin’)
--"the WMD’s of sperm" (IUD’s)
--"the circle of bachelorhood" (The Ring)
By Barney Stinson
1. Nobody WANTS to have a child, but how do I know for sure I’m a Not A Father? The easiest way to confirm that you’re a Not a Father is to ask friends and colleagues if they’ve noticed any of your offspring, or even really small people who look like you. No? Congratulations! You’re well on your way to ensuring your Not a Fatherhood.
2. I heard a story about a Not a Father suddenly becoming not a Not a Father. Is that scientifically possible?
Sadly, yes. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 1,500,000 loud, toothless and vomiting surprises arrive unexpectedly each year, which means that each year, 1,500,000 potential Not a Fathers awake one morning to discover they’ve instantly lost their Saturday nights, about $15,000/yr, roughly 3 trillion+ hours of sleep, and their streak of consecutive days without having to go elbowdeep in baby poop. Yikes.
3. I’m worried about baby poop and walking around in public with a fanny pack. Are there steps that I can take to ensure that I remain a Not a Father?
Certainly. Just abstain from having sex. But seriously, there are effective measures and precautions that you can take to help preserve your Not a Father status. 8 out of 10 sexually active adults who do not use some form of birth control will get pregnant within a year. And with my powerful and potent sperm, the number is much greater – somewhere like nine out of ten or even ten out of ten. That’s why I like to employ some of the following birth control methods:
--"the penis poncho" (condom)
--"sex mints" (birth control pills)
--"outercourse" (dry-humpin’)
--"the WMD’s of sperm" (IUD’s)
--"the circle of bachelorhood" (The Ring)
By Barney Stinson
The Lemon Law
The Lemon Law is a little-known dating loophole that allows a Bro to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. How many times has a Bro set you up with a blind date who winds up looking like the unmasked Predator? Now, with the Lemon Law, you no longer need to sit through that kind of torture or waste any of the Predator’s time. Simply present your date with a Lemon Law card, and you’re out the door.
ARTICLE 113
A Bro abides by the accepted
age-difference formula when pursuing a younger chick.
Acceptable Age-Difference Formula
x <= y/2 + 7
x = chick’s age; y = Bro’s age
age-difference formula when pursuing a younger chick.
Acceptable Age-Difference Formula
x <= y/2 + 7
x = chick’s age; y = Bro’s age
ARTICLE 107
A Bro never leaves another
Bro hanging.
Besides the obvious health hazards inherent in keeping an arm aloft for an extended period of time, the emotional effects of
leaving a Bro out to dry in public can be devastating. If you ever see
a Bro, even one you don’t know, looking around frantically with a paw held high in the air, throw him a Brone and hit him up top.
Bro hanging.
Besides the obvious health hazards inherent in keeping an arm aloft for an extended period of time, the emotional effects of
leaving a Bro out to dry in public can be devastating. If you ever see
a Bro, even one you don’t know, looking around frantically with a paw held high in the air, throw him a Brone and hit him up top.
ARTICLE 89
A Bro shall always say yes
in support of a Bro.
When out and about, you must be prepared to affirm anything a Bro tells a chick. “Yes, he’s single.” “Yes, we’re Navy SEALs.” “Yes, he invented Facebook.” While this usually entails stretching the truth about personal wealth, athletic prowess, or the ability to operate various aircraft, on occasion you’ll be required to pretend you’re from out of town. If you can stomach dressing up like someone’s dad, pretending
to be a tourist in your own hometown is a great way to score chicks . . . if you’re ready with a believable backstory.
in support of a Bro.
When out and about, you must be prepared to affirm anything a Bro tells a chick. “Yes, he’s single.” “Yes, we’re Navy SEALs.” “Yes, he invented Facebook.” While this usually entails stretching the truth about personal wealth, athletic prowess, or the ability to operate various aircraft, on occasion you’ll be required to pretend you’re from out of town. If you can stomach dressing up like someone’s dad, pretending
to be a tourist in your own hometown is a great way to score chicks . . . if you’re ready with a believable backstory.
ARTICLE 86
When a Bro meets a chick, he
shall endeavor to find out where
she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale
before pursuing her.
The theory of evolution alleges that men evolved from monkeys . . . but what about women? It seems that as men became less hairy, more upright, and less interested in throwing their own poo, women became more attractive but somehow more crazy.
Today’s chicks like to straddle the line between hot and crazy: the hotter they are, the crazier they are; the crazier they are, the hotter they seem. All of this is confusing to a Bro and, very often, dangerous. How is a Bro to know whether a chick is hot and crazy in a “let’s duck into the bathroom” kind of way, or hot and crazy in a “let’s huff paint and stalk your ex-girlfriends” kind of way?
Fortunately, I’ve devised a test that allows Bros to quickly determine where a chick fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale. Answer yes or no to each question in the columns, add up your “yes” answers, and then plot the coordinates on the Hot/Crazy Scale. Ideally, your chick is right on the line, but if she’s anywhere above it, run away.
shall endeavor to find out where
she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale
before pursuing her.
The theory of evolution alleges that men evolved from monkeys . . . but what about women? It seems that as men became less hairy, more upright, and less interested in throwing their own poo, women became more attractive but somehow more crazy.
Today’s chicks like to straddle the line between hot and crazy: the hotter they are, the crazier they are; the crazier they are, the hotter they seem. All of this is confusing to a Bro and, very often, dangerous. How is a Bro to know whether a chick is hot and crazy in a “let’s duck into the bathroom” kind of way, or hot and crazy in a “let’s huff paint and stalk your ex-girlfriends” kind of way?
Fortunately, I’ve devised a test that allows Bros to quickly determine where a chick fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale. Answer yes or no to each question in the columns, add up your “yes” answers, and then plot the coordinates on the Hot/Crazy Scale. Ideally, your chick is right on the line, but if she’s anywhere above it, run away.
ARTICLE 75
A Bro automatically enhances another Bro’s job description
when introducing him to a chick.
Chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity, and sometimes—with the help of extensive makeup and structural lingerie—even their body shape. As such, it’s fair game for Bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their Brofession. It’s also smart:
a Bro’s career is to a chick what a chick’s boobs are to a Bro.
when introducing him to a chick.
Chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity, and sometimes—with the help of extensive makeup and structural lingerie—even their body shape. As such, it’s fair game for Bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their Brofession. It’s also smart:
a Bro’s career is to a chick what a chick’s boobs are to a Bro.
ARTICLE 59
A Bro must always post bail
for another Bro, unless it’s out of
state or, like, crazy expensive.
When Is Bail Crazy Expensive?
Crazy Expensive Bail > (Years You’ve Been Bros) × $100
for another Bro, unless it’s out of
state or, like, crazy expensive.
When Is Bail Crazy Expensive?
Crazy Expensive Bail > (Years You’ve Been Bros) × $100
ARTICLE 56
A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Broflation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.
ARTICLE 48
A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he’s banged.
Corollarllarllary: A Bro also never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.
When a chick meets a Bro, there are three things she wants
to know:
1. How much money does he make?
2. Is he shorter than her?
3. How many chicks has he banged?
Eventually, she will figure out the first two, but a Bro never answers the third question. If, however, a Bro feels compelled
to answer (i.e., sex is being withheld until he supplies a tally), he can calculate an acceptable number using the following formula:
Corollarllarllary: A Bro also never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.
When a chick meets a Bro, there are three things she wants
to know:
1. How much money does he make?
2. Is he shorter than her?
3. How many chicks has he banged?
Eventually, she will figure out the first two, but a Bro never answers the third question. If, however, a Bro feels compelled
to answer (i.e., sex is being withheld until he supplies a tally), he can calculate an acceptable number using the following formula:
Friday, November 28, 2008
ARTICLE 42
Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or Bro hug, but never a full embrace.
Executiting a Bro Hug
Executiting a Bro Hug
ARTICLE 25
A Bro doesn’t let another Bro
get a tattoo, particularly a
tattoo of a girl’s name.
The average relationship between a man and a woman lasts eighty-three days. The relationship between a man and his skin lasts a lifetime and must be nurtured, because as we all know, the skin is the largest and second most important organ a man has.
Barney Stinson’s Field Guide to Tattoos
get a tattoo, particularly a
tattoo of a girl’s name.
The average relationship between a man and a woman lasts eighty-three days. The relationship between a man and his skin lasts a lifetime and must be nurtured, because as we all know, the skin is the largest and second most important organ a man has.
Barney Stinson’s Field Guide to Tattoos
ARTICLE 19
A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall
not get angry if another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!”
Corollarllarllary: It’s probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other Bros are coming over
Chececklilist for Bro-Proofing Your Homeme
o Hide all pictures of hot sisters, moms, and first cousins.
o Open liquor bottles and dust the bar area to give the impression you actually use it.
o As a courtesy, move printed porn from the bedroom to
the bathroom.
o Scan DVR playlist and remove embarrassing television pro-grams like daytime talk shows.
o Open all windows.
o Display all remote controls on the coffee table, regardless of functionality.
o Disconnect answering machine, or . . .
o Call Mom an hour before your Bros arrive.
o Sign out of email account.
o Usher girlfriend/booty call
off the premises.
not get angry if another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!”
Corollarllarllary: It’s probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other Bros are coming over
Chececklilist for Bro-Proofing Your Homeme
o Hide all pictures of hot sisters, moms, and first cousins.
o Open liquor bottles and dust the bar area to give the impression you actually use it.
o As a courtesy, move printed porn from the bedroom to
the bathroom.
o Scan DVR playlist and remove embarrassing television pro-grams like daytime talk shows.
o Open all windows.
o Display all remote controls on the coffee table, regardless of functionality.
o Disconnect answering machine, or . . .
o Call Mom an hour before your Bros arrive.
o Sign out of email account.
o Usher girlfriend/booty call
off the premises.
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