Everybody's Kung-Fu Fighting

Getting in a fight? Lame. Watching someone else fight? Awesome. While some of the great ones have already been settled (Alien v. Predator, Rocky v. Drago, thong v.underwear) others are still too close to call (blonde v. brunette). That being said, here are some great fights I would pay to see. Feel free to rock the vote on what you think the outcome would be. Note: Answer key at the bottom of the page.



(1) Super Lightweight Champion:



Canada v. France



Baguettes meet hockey sticks in a battle of places that feature cold temperatures, funny accents, and weird looking currency. Canada’s slight edge for its proximity to America and for producing Pamela Anderson is immediately nullified by the existence of French-Canadians.



Which is the “better” country: (A) Canada or (B) France?



(2) Middleweight Champion:



One celebrates growing wood, the other celebrates poles.



Who wins the battle of fantastic holidays: (A) Arbor Day or (B) Flag Day?



(3) Heavyweight Championship:

Trebek v. Sajak



This “showdown” recently opened up when undefeated World Champion, Bob Barker retired. Trebek’s knowledge of military warfare and history gives him a slight edge, though if Sajak connects with a right hook, it could be lights out: 25 years of spinning that wheel has turned his hand to iron and if he’s able to channel his silent rage over never taking a run at Vanna White, Sajak could leave Trebek’s face in the form of a question.



Vote in the Game Show Host Match-up: (A) Trebek or (B) Sajak?



(4) The Main Event:

Both events have been staples of debauchery since the bleary-eyed dawn of man. Both attract girls who will do almost anything for a reasonable fee of plastic beads. While Spring Break holds a geographical advantage (celebrated all over the globe), Mardi Gras rocks an impenetrable fortress – not even Mother Nature herself can ruin that party.



Who wins the slap down of debauchery: (A) Mardi Gras or (B) Spring Break?



Answer Key:

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,



As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve been extra special good this year, even taking on some of your work load… by stuffing as many stockings as I can. So it’s with great admiration and what I’m sure is mutual respect that I humbly submit to you my Christmas list for this year. And bro, if you have a sec, wake me up -- I’d really like to talk to you about how you sneak out of so many women’s houses undetected. I’m good, but I’m not that good.



Happy Holidays,



Barney Stinson



P.S. I left you a glass of twelve-year-old single malt. Milk? Let’s get serious, bro.

The Bro Code Audio Book Rapidshare Link

The Bro Code [AUDIOBOOK] [UNABRIDGED] (Audio CD)

INTRODUCTION

Whether we know it or not, each of us lives a life governed by an internalized code of conduct. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. I call it "the Bro Code."

For centuries men have attempted to follow this code with no universal understanding of what such an arrangement meant: Is it okay to hug a Bro?* If I'm invited to a Bro's wedding, do I really have to bring a gift? Can I sleep with a Bro's sister or mother or both?

Now, for the first time on paper, I have recorded the rules of social decorum that Bros have practiced since the dawn of man...if not before. The Bro Code previously existed only as an oral tradition (heh), so I have journeyed the globe to piece together and transcribe the scattered fragments of the Bro Code, pausing only to flesh it out myself (double heh). While not intending to write a "Guide to Being a Bro," if men should treat it as such and pass this compendium of knowledge from one generation to the next, I have little doubt it would bring a tear to my eye. But not out of it. That would be a violation of Article 41: A Bro never cries.

It is my hope that, with a better understanding of the Bro Code, Bros the world over can put aside their differences and strengthen the bonds of brotherhood. It is then, and only then, that we might work together as one to accomplish perhaps the most important challenge society faces -- getting laid. Before dismissing this pursuit as crass and ignoble, consider this postulate: without the sport inherent in trying to bang chicks, would men willingly have sex for the sole purpose of producing smelly, screaming babies?

Centuries from now, when a Bro applies the rudiments of the Bro Code to score a three-boobed future chick, the only thanks I'll need is the knowledge that I -- in whatever small capacity -- Bro'd him out...though if he could figure out how to bring me back to life, that would be pretty awesome, too. -- Barney Stinson ™ & © 2008 by Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

Download Link
http://rapidshare.com/files/166360686/The_Bro_Code.rar

The Naked Man

Two Out Of three Times it Works

Goes like this:

You're on a first date, you've had a few drinks,

You make an excuse to go up to the girl's apartment.

Then,once she leaves the room,

you strip down naked and wait.

When she comes back, she laughs.

She's so charmed by your confidence and bravado,

she sleeps with you. Boom!

Cautions: It works Two out of three Times
Just Pick up Your spot

Lily's 50 Reasons People Have Sex

What really tops the list of The Best Lists Ever Made is from our very own Lily Aldrin: The 50 Reasons People Have Sex list. We managed to find the napkin she wrote this list on inside a trash can near MacLaren's, and it was well worth the cuts from syringes, dog poop stains, and the grossness of Barney's expired condoms. Check it:

Not A Father's Day

Not A Father - FAQs

1. Nobody WANTS to have a child, but how do I know for sure I’m a Not A Father? The easiest way to confirm that you’re a Not a Father is to ask friends and colleagues if they’ve noticed any of your offspring, or even really small people who look like you. No? Congratulations! You’re well on your way to ensuring your Not a Fatherhood.


2. I heard a story about a Not a Father suddenly becoming not a Not a Father. Is that scientifically possible?


Sadly, yes. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 1,500,000 loud, toothless and vomiting surprises arrive unexpectedly each year, which means that each year, 1,500,000 potential Not a Fathers awake one morning to discover they’ve instantly lost their Saturday nights, about $15,000/yr, roughly 3 trillion+ hours of sleep, and their streak of consecutive days without having to go elbowdeep in baby poop. Yikes.


3. I’m worried about baby poop and walking around in public with a fanny pack. Are there steps that I can take to ensure that I remain a Not a Father?


Certainly. Just abstain from having sex. But seriously, there are effective measures and precautions that you can take to help preserve your Not a Father status. 8 out of 10 sexually active adults who do not use some form of birth control will get pregnant within a year. And with my powerful and potent sperm, the number is much greater – somewhere like nine out of ten or even ten out of ten. That’s why I like to employ some of the following birth control methods:


--"the penis poncho" (condom)


--"sex mints" (birth control pills)


--"outercourse" (dry-humpin’)


--"the WMD’s of sperm" (IUD’s)


--"the circle of bachelorhood" (The Ring)

By Barney Stinson

The Lemon Law

The Lemon Law is a little-known dating loophole that allows a Bro to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. How many times has a Bro set you up with a blind date who winds up looking like the unmasked Predator? Now, with the Lemon Law, you no longer need to sit through that kind of torture or waste any of the Predator’s time. Simply present your date with a Lemon Law card, and you’re out the door.

ARTICLE 137

When hosting, a Bro orders
enough pizza for all his Bros.

ARTICLE 113

A Bro abides by the accepted
age-difference formula when pursuing a younger chick.

Acceptable Age-Difference Formula
x <= y/2 + 7
x = chick’s age; y = Bro’s age

ARTICLE 107

A Bro never leaves another
Bro hanging.


Besides the obvious health hazards inherent in keeping an arm aloft for an extended period of time, the emotional effects of
leaving a Bro out to dry in public can be devastating. If you ever see
a Bro, even one you don’t know, looking around frantically with a paw held high in the air, throw him a Brone and hit him up top.

ARTICLE 102

A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman.

ARTICLE 89

A Bro shall always say yes
in support of a Bro.

When out and about, you must be prepared to affirm anything a Bro tells a chick. “Yes, he’s single.” “Yes, we’re Navy SEALs.” “Yes, he invented Facebook.” While this usually entails stretching the truth about personal wealth, athletic prowess, or the ability to operate various aircraft, on occasion you’ll be required to pretend you’re from out of town. If you can stomach dressing up like someone’s dad, pretending
to be a tourist in your own hometown is a great way to score chicks . . . if you’re ready with a believable backstory.

ARTICLE 86

When a Bro meets a chick, he
shall endeavor to find out where
she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale
before pursuing her.

The theory of evolution alleges that men evolved from monkeys . . . but what about women? It seems that as men became less hairy, more upright, and less interested in throwing their own poo, women became more attractive but somehow more crazy.
Today’s chicks like to straddle the line between hot and crazy: the hotter they are, the crazier they are; the crazier they are, the hotter they seem. All of this is confusing to a Bro and, very often, dangerous. How is a Bro to know whether a chick is hot and crazy in a “let’s duck into the bathroom” kind of way, or hot and crazy in a “let’s huff paint and stalk your ex-girlfriends” kind of way?
Fortunately, I’ve devised a test that allows Bros to quickly determine where a chick fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale. Answer yes or no to each question in the columns, add up your “yes” answers, and then plot the coordinates on the Hot/Crazy Scale. Ideally, your chick is right on the line, but if she’s anywhere above it, run away.

ARTICLE 75

A Bro automatically enhances another Bro’s job description
when introducing him to a chick.


Chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity, and sometimes—with the help of extensive makeup and structural lingerie—even their body shape. As such, it’s fair game for Bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their Brofession. It’s also smart:
a Bro’s career is to a chick what a chick’s boobs are to a Bro.

ARTICLE 59

A Bro must always post bail
for another Bro, unless it’s out of
state or, like, crazy expensive.

When Is Bail Crazy Expensive?

Crazy Expensive Bail > (Years You’ve Been Bros) × $100

ARTICLE 56

A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Broflation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.

ARTICLE 48

A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he’s banged.


Corollarllarllary: A Bro also never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.

When a chick meets a Bro, there are three things she wants
to know:
1. How much money does he make?
2. Is he shorter than her?
3. How many chicks has he banged?

Eventually, she will figure out the first two, but a Bro never answers the third question. If, however, a Bro feels compelled
to answer (i.e., sex is being withheld until he supplies a tally), he can calculate an acceptable number using the following formula:

ARTICLE 42

Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or Bro hug, but never a full embrace.

Executiting a Bro Hug

ARTICLE 31

When on the prowl, a Bro hits
on the hottest chick first because
you just never know.

ARTICLE 25

A Bro doesn’t let another Bro
get a tattoo, particularly a
tattoo of a girl’s name.

The average relationship between a man and a woman lasts eighty-three days. The relationship between a man and his skin lasts a lifetime and must be nurtured, because as we all know, the skin is the largest and second most important organ a man has.

Barney Stinson’s Field Guide to Tattoos

ARTICLE 19

A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall
not get angry if another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!”

Corollarllarllary: It’s probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other Bros are coming over

Chececklilist for Bro-Proofing Your Homeme
o Hide all pictures of hot sisters, moms, and first cousins.
o Open liquor bottles and dust the bar area to give the impression you actually use it.
o As a courtesy, move printed porn from the bedroom to
the bathroom.
o Scan DVR playlist and remove embarrassing television pro-grams like daytime talk shows.
o Open all windows.
o Display all remote controls on the coffee table, regardless of functionality.
o Disconnect answering machine, or . . .
o Call Mom an hour before your Bros arrive.
o Sign out of email account.
o Usher girlfriend/booty call
off the premises.